Broken

Deployments are strange things. People often make comments about how hard it must be to put your spouse on a bus/plane and watch them leave for 7 months, but most military wives I know will agree when I say that putting them on that bus is the easy part.

For months before your spouse deploys you have the date. You know about when they are leaving, but it seems so far away. You have plenty of time....
Then the months become weeks & the work ups start. They are gone, then home again, then gone, then home. There is gear everywhere & lists of stuff to buy. There are honey do lists, budgets to figure out, wills to right, power of attorney's to draft & lives to get in order. Before you know it the deployment is imminent.

The week before they leave is the tough part. There is so much you want to do, to say & yet it's so much easier to leave mad, so you argue. You get mad over something simple that wouldn't have bothered you on your worst day before. You stare at their stuff everywhere & you can't wait to have your house back to normal. To have your life back to normal.

I have never been one of those spouses that waits until the last bus pulls away. I go to the drop off, I stay for a little while & then I leave when things start getting busy. There is a heaviness in the air between the Marine & I, but usually no tears. At least not where the other can see. We know it will be hard, we know we will miss so much, but doesn't need to be said at least not right then.

And so I get in my jeep & I drive home, to an empty house save the vase of flowers & bottle of Cuervo 1800 he has strategically placed for me to find. I wander into the closet & it seems so empty, but I won't slide my clothes over. His side of the sink is clean but I won't be using it. His beer is still in the fridge & I won't be drinking it. It's just too hard.

Later I ride my bike to his office to pick up his truck & am struck by how empty the building looks. The grassy area that was bustling with Marine's earlier is now bare & the parking lot is stark except for his truck. This is when I let myself cry. This is when I am sad. This is when I feel alone.

As I drive home I hear the song "Broken" by Lifehouse on the radio & smile & think of him. The private joke that only our family shares about this song makes me laugh & I am temporarily comforted.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok