the road not taken

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." Randy Pausch

The thing about running that I have always loved is that my body tends to go into autopilot after about a mile. I settle into my pace, relax my shoulders and just go. My mind quiets and most of the confusion and noise from the day fade into the background. My ipod shuffle that I run with is not filled with the loud, shake you ass rock music that I like for the gym. My shuffle is filled with mellow, beachy-vibe type music that helps me relax: Matt Nathanson, Colbie Callet, Kenny Chesney, Springsteen..the gangs all there. The music fades into the background and I can just focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

Running is also when I do my best thinking. As many who run faithfully can attest, the best way to make a decision or find clarity is to strap on those shoes and take off. Sometimes it will come to me right away, sometimes I'm able to just see both sides with a different perspective and sometimes I remember....

This morning was one of those remember times. As I ran along my 3 mile loop I thought back to the last month with The Marine. I flash back to the decision to leave, the 150 times I changed my mind, to telling the girls, to putting them on a plane, to our last night together before I drove away. It was almost as if it was a music video playing in my head. I was listening to Lady Antebellum's "You Are Not Alone" and the memories just flooded through.

I feel like he and I had a tough choice over the past few months. We could've taken the road of the angry spouses who yelled, screamed, hit, and threw things or we could take the path of the people with so much respect for each other, even in spite of what has happened. Thankfully and amazingly we chose the path less traveled. As I said in the post I took down, I have never spoke harshly about my husband on this blog and will not start now. He, in turn, could've run my name through the mud many times but hasn't. Instead we choose to surround ourselves with people who only want what's best for everyone involved...and we are both truly blessed to be surrounded by many people who want just that...to include each other.

Another path that we chose was how to tell our children. We very easily could've told our children the details that led to our decision but instead realized that this was not a burden for our children to bear. The didn't need to know what mommy or daddy had done to make this decision, all they needed to know was what would happen to them. We told them about the apartment, we told them about my job, we told them how often they could expect to physically see their dad and how often they could talk to him (which was whenever they wanted). They have a phone they can text him on whenever they want, they have email, they can call. They were assured over and over that their parents were still amazing friends and would always be connected because of them. They are loved and their parents will assure them everyday of how much they are loved by us. Was it an easy decision to make? Not at all. I still have to make the decision everyday, and so does he. Chosing to not badmouth each other to our children, friends and each other is a deliberate decision. It didn't come automatically. Am I brushing this to the side and saying I've done everything right? Absolutely not, but I've made the commitment to try my best to help my children play the hand they've just been dealt and as the song and my little music video ended on that run this morning.... I pictured my girls, sitting at our favorite restaurant in Portsmouth, watching a Red Sox game and smiling. They were going on a plane the next day for 6 weeks at grandma and grandpa's house, and they were smiling.