Alis Volat Propriis

Missing my baby

2011-09-27T15:52:00.001-05:00

For those that are friends on Facebook, you know already that my oldest daughter decided to live with her dad this year....or maybe you suspected but didn't want to ask me, or you just thought I have lost my mind when I keep talking about missing M one minute and then post about how great she is doing in cross country or apple picking the next. And while my mental status remains up for debate, I can assure you I'm not crazy when I write about missing her all week long.
The decision came over the summer. I knew she had been missing her friends there, she wanted the opportunity to be "an only child" for a while and wanted to take the chance to have a little special time living with her dad. And to be honest, I didn't have a strong arguement for not letting her go other than I would rather put a hot poker through my eye than not see my child every day. Don't get me wrong..this is and will remain my more challenging child. She's the one who tests my patience, has earned me a special place in mommy heaven, keeps my hairdresser (Hi Jeffrey!) in business covering my greys and hiding my bald spots where I've torn my own hair out and ensures I will never live in one of those "always clean" homes. However, she's still my baby. I grew her...from scratch and I want to intrude on every detail of her life and it's not easy from 30 miles away.
So....the last few months have been a challenge. It was hard to pack her up and move her. It sucks to have it hit me in the middle of the day that I have NO idea what she's doing right now and it's heartbreaking to say no when she calls crying saying she wants to come home because she's mad at her dad or having a bad day.
But no matter what....she is still my baby and I'll keep missing her every day until she's home.

2011-05-15T18:37:00.000-05:00

Another year older. In theory, I should be another year wiser, but who really knows? On the home front I've learned about mortgages, interest rates, landscaping, how to fit an ikea couch into a midsized SUV and how to be kind to my septic tank.
I've mastered my iPhone and left the blackberry behind, I can play a movie on my Xbox and program the time into the microwave.
I realized I don't need someone else to make me happy but its nice to have someone who can make you smile. I realized my heart is usually right and I just need to follow it more often. I learned that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that I'm a better catch than I thought I was.
I learned that my children make me laugh without even trying and I need to spend more time with them. I learned that they grow up so quickly and are only young for a little while.
I learned that I need to spend more time running and cooking and doing the things that make me feel like me and less time self doubting and over thinking.
I learned that sometimes hindsight is a beautiful thing and problems seem a lot smaller in the morning although I still hate to go to bed mad.
I learned that a little league game can make me jump up and down as much as a major league double header and the National Anthem still makes me cry.
I've learned that hearing about the day of someone you care about is really important and it's very easy to forget what's important in relationships. I've also learned that you can't force feelings no matter how much you want to and sometimes you have to realize that they just aren't going to come....and that's ok.
I learned that you have to say things when you have the opportunity because it may not come again but once you say it you can't take it back.
And finally.... I've learned that no matter what this yr holds, I'm going to be ok.

Tales from the yard...

2011-05-09T13:47:00.001-05:00

     I remember when the builder was showing me my (now) house prior to "the big purchase." I remember him saying he just didn't understand why it wasn't selling. All the women who looked at it loved it but all of their husbands thought it "wasn't quite right." After this week trying to get the yard in order, I know EXACTLY how the conversation went.
   Wife: "I love this house! It's SOOO cute."
   Husband: "Ya, but did you see that hill and ditch in the front yard? I don't want to spend my Saturday's mowing that bitch of a hill and that ditch is full of frogs."
   Wife: "Ya, but it looks like a little cottage, and did you see those windows? I could just die!! And there are 2 closets in the master bedroom."
   Husband: "I WILL die trying to push a lawn mower up and down that hill. Let's look at one of the other houses on the street, the yards are flat and they have more square footage."

   Do you know why I ended up buying this house? Because I didn't have that male figure chirping in my ear...I was blinded by the cottagy cuteness and abundance of windows. Little did I know that this adorable house came with Osama Bin Lawn. (..oh come on, that was funny)
   Now I know that I'm supposed to be this single, independent, glass half full, anything a man can do I can do better, break through the glass ceiling, look at me I'm Sandra Dee...but I seriously just googled Mail Order Russian Husband. I'm sure some Ivan Drago looking mass of muscle wants to break out from behind that iron curtain and mow my lawn for me. This crap is man's work and I'm not afraid to own that opinion. Yard work sucks.
    I had put it off long enough and so this week I hauled myself down to Home Depot and bought a lawn mower. And not just any lawn mower, some fancy schmancy turbo boost self propelled monstrosity that you can apparently push with two fingers without breaking a sweat. Well let me tell you, the only thing I could do with just two fingers was give the bird to the hill and the lawn mower at the same time. My stupid yard, full of weeds, branches and huge granite bolders with the occasional patch of grass kicked my girlie butt today. My arms are beat, my legs are beat and I didn't run. I'm training for a freaking marathon...I need to run, not haul my crazy butt up and down the hill from hell.
So the moral of this long drawn out rant, is when you can't find me all summer, look in the ditch in the front yard, chances are I'll be there, trying to gain traction through the mud in some futile effort to make my yard look nice.

ahhhh...

2011-05-02T01:49:00.000-05:00

You've no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You.

Nothing seemed right.

What's the point of bringing gold to the gold mine, or water to the Ocean
Everything I came up with was like taking spices to the Orient
It's no good giving my heart and my soul because you already have these.
So- I've brought you a mirror.

Look at yourself and remember me.

- Jalaluddin Rumi, Essential Rumi,

a cross roads

2011-04-30T03:24:00.000-05:00

"This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and

more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able

to discern what is best." Philippians 1:9-10

     I've written a million and one blogs in my head since my last one in November. But when it comes to putting something on paper..or screen if you will, I've been lacking. It''s not perfect, it's not funny, it's not profound with some life changing message, it's not about running....it's just nothing! And so I've closed the computer screen and hit delete a lot lately.
     Is today's post any different? No, it's not. I seriously doubt it'll be funny, I seriously doubt I will have any clarity when it's done and I know you won't if you manage to read the entire thing. But in the same way I missed the quiet peacefulness of running in the past few months, I've also missed the insight that comes with writing out my thoughts and scrutinizing them time and time again.
     The past five months have been full of changes. I took the dating profile down and began dating someone seriously. And now, five months later, we've reached a cross roads....and I find myself doing what I do best..reflecting and analyzing, over thinking and wondering how I got here.
   This is the longest I have dated someone since the divorce, and the only person just as messed up in the head as I am. He's the only one I've ever introduced the girls to and the only one I've closed my eyes and pictured a future with. But along with these firsts comes a lot of uncertainty and a lot of doubt. We are learning as we go along and there a lot of cases of 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It's different dating when you are also managing careers, kids, mortgages, opposite schedules, ex's, old wounds, new sensitivities and you have absolutely no idea how to juggle it all.
   Being in the place I am now does allow for some things that dating as a young 20'something didn't. I'm more secure with myself. I know what I want, what I don't want, what I can live with and what I can't live without. It was easy to walk away from people up until now based on gut feelings and first impressions because I was determined not to settle. But I'm finding that just because I'm at a place where I'm ready to move forward...where what I miss about being a couple far outweighs my fears; doesn't necessarily mean that the person you are ready with is in the same place. I tried to be patient at first, I learned to bite my tongue about things that upset me...sometimes failing but usually not. I told myself (and him) that it would be ok until it wasn't anymore I didn't know when that day would be but for now it was ok. I could have faith enough for the both of us.
     That day came this week. I've been running outside more now that the weather is getting nicer, working in the yard and spending a lot of time thinking...reflecting and remembering that vow I made to myself back in January..in fact, we made the vow together... to be happy in 2011. I'm ready to be happy, I'm ready to find that person that makes my heart skip a beat and that person that will be my best friend. I think I've found him....now it's time to see if he has. Sometimes you have to let go in order to move forward and today I did just that.

Good Read....

2010-11-15T18:07:00.000-05:00

I needed this today......

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes
This is your awakening...

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Copyright 2001 Virginia Marie Swift

Our inner "ness"

2010-09-19T00:54:00.001-05:00

..

     Humans, for the most part, are social creatures. I mean, sure, we all like our "alone time" but doesn't a beer taste better when you are sharing the moment with someone who makes you laugh? Isn't shopping more fun when you have someone to be honest when you ask if your butt looks big in the "fabulous" jeans you found? My friends are priceless.
     There is a group of people I met when I lived here the first time that I've kept in touch with throughout the years. I took care of their babies when they attended the preschool I worked at and friendships developed. They knew me when I was married to the Marine and picked me up when I wasn't any more. They've been there for me countless times over the past year as I struggled to regain my life back, buy a house and settle down. They accept my spunk, think I'm funny and tell me over and over that I'm "a catch" and the right one is out there somewhere.... they bring back my "inner ness" when I lose it. And over the past 2 weeks, I think I did lose it for a while. That seems to be the thing with starting over, one day you are going along just fine and the next you begin to question and doubt everything.
      I wasn't going to go out last night. I was tired, I was feeling a little down and really just wanted to curl up with fuzzy slipper socks and my pj's. But moments with no kids, no work and a total night off are a rarity in my life.....so I broke out the "party clothes" and went and had a great time with the people who have been there for me through thick and thin. I left last night feeling more like myself than I had in a very long time. Another friend, who I know through work, got back into town last night and called me on my way home to invite me to dinner tonight. We ended up talking while I drove so I wouldn't fall asleep and during the conversation he asked how I had lost my voice. I laughed and said I had been singing and dancing with friends all night. He stated said he didn't realize I did either of those things. Of course I do, I replied... I had just forgotten how.
     I hope someday that I meet someone who makes me feel all the time the way I feel with these people. Happy, playful, sexy, a little wild, fun....and full of "ness."
     Thanks guys.

2010-09-06T22:50:00.000-05:00

As I struggle to regain a "normal dating life" post divorce I find that there are a lot of things I really never learned. Or maybe I learned them but just never applied them in my marriage. The Marine and I were really bad communicators with each other. We both knew it and the sad thing is, although we would SAY we needed to work on it, we never did anything about it. It was just a fact.

The guy I'm seeing had similar issues with his ex and so we both find ourselves not wanting to relive those past mistakes and REALLY build a relationship where we are open, honest and (our little word)..candid. That was put to the test tonight where we had our first really open and frank discussion. There were times during the conversation I didn't lik what he was saying but it was nice to be able to say "are you saying...." and allowing him to clarify before jumping to conclusions. It was refreshing to be able to say what I was thinking, feeling and fearing without fear of how he would react.

I'm still insecure, and I know I need to get a handle on it before it drives a wedge but I also now know that when I'm feeling that insecurity creep up, I just need to ask for a "candid" conversation and that he'll be open to it.

I guess this little girl is growing up.

Under the Tuscan Sun... Ladybugs

2010-08-28T16:23:00.000-05:00

I love this movie and the journey that Diane Lane takes to make her dreams come true all while struggling to find someone with which to share those dreams. She trips, she falls, she gets back up and just as she realizes that everything she's ever wanted is all around her, in walks that person...unexpectedly of course, and just completes the picture.
I've done a lot of that over the past year. I've tripped, I've fallen, I've struggled to find my place in a new community, a new job and a new life. I've wanted someone to share it with, but readily admit things probably didn't work because I wasn't quite ready. The events of the divorce had left me insecure, untrusting and hurt and I've let those feelings get the better of me more often than I care to admit.
And so I began making my life, knowing that I may be building something from scratch, but it was mine to build. The person that emerged from the rubble was mine to mold. I could be blond, brunette, girlie, tom-boyish, a health nut, a clean freak, spontaneous, organized, romantic or crazy. It was my opportunity to let myself be the person I've always wanted to be. And part of that rebuilding came the acceptance that the person I wanted to share THIS life with...was worth waiting for. How great of a gift, how WONDERFUL of a feeling to know that I waited for that perfect relationship, that perfect person, that perfect love. And will everything be perfect? No, of course not. But if that person is truly perfect for me, then they will be as dedicated as I am to not repeat the mistakes of the past. To talk things out before they fester, to be accepting of me and I of him despite all our flaws and imperfections, to look across that room and.just. know.
Today I took the girls to the town lake for a swim and upon returning to the car I was thinking about a special someone when my thoughts were interrupted by my daughter pointing out a ladybug crawling on the roof of the car and I thought of this scene, from this movie and suddenly I was happy. Is it a sign or merely coincidence? I don't know, but I'm ready to find out.

Way Back Wednesday....

2010-08-25T13:51:00.001-05:00

I'm a sucker for a good love song....

ch- ch- ch- ch- changes....

2010-08-24T15:24:00.005-05:00

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet

So the blog underwent a face lift. (as I'm sure you noticed). The layout changed, I updated my profile and even found ALL the typo's that my lovely blog stalker (don't think I don't know you are still out there) inserted in order to make me look like a illiterate idiot. Thanks for that by the way, your maturity never ceases to amaze me.
But I digress...It's not that I'm not running anymore, its just that I have many other things that occupy my mind right now and I feel like I'm at the beginning of a new chapter and, well, I wanted it documented. The blog has always been a place where I feel free to write what I want and get it all out. Some posts I hit "publish" many I just save, but at least they are all there.

So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

My life used to be all about running. I was running away, running to something, trying to be skinnier to make someone love me more. I had adventures, but I wasn't happy.

I'm happy now.

And being that happy allows me to open up my life to someone else. I tried over the past year but I don't think I was ready. I wasn't at peace, I wasn't over all of it and I wasn't me again. It's taken a year, but I.am.me.again.

Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time

~~~Changes by David Bowie

new adventure #1.

2010-08-24T14:46:00.012-05:00

A few weeks ago I decided to try my hand at online dating. It wasn't I wasn't getting offers...I was. But it seemed that the (hmm, how do I say it?) caliber of people that were asking me out was exactly what I wasn't looking for. It seemed the hrs I work, or the limited amount of time I'm actualy available, or the kids were always a problem, or they were just drunk weirdo's who came into the ED after a bar fight and looked up at me through their one not busted up eye and declared me "a hot nurse" and asked if I wanted to have a drink.
A friend from work had tried her hand at online dating and is now happily living with the guy of her dreams gave me her advice on the various sites and advise me to be completely honest "If you only want a guy to call you every other Thursday at 5pm, then write it on your profile be honest or you'll never find what you want."
And so I found a site and I registered, payed my fee's and waited..... and the offers started coming in. The requests for comunication, the questions, the "winks," the invitations for dinner. But no body really struck my fancy. I met one guy and we hit it off at first but then I lost interest he lived an hr away and with my limited time that became and issue. Another guy I met for dinner and then the next day he texted (texted!!)that he had decided to "become serious" with a girl he had been out with a few times that he had met on the site. Umm, ok. Just when I had lost interest with the whole thing and hadn't checked my "online matches" for a few days...I got a "flex match" that caught my eye.
Now a flex match is someone who doesn't fit "perfectly" into your must haves and personality match up, but they send to you anyway just so you can't complain you aren't getting any matches in your inbox. It doesn't, however, tell you what about the person isn't a good match. So I sent an icebreaker (which I NEVER do) and said hello and we played the back and forth question game for the required amount of time before finally being able to just speak freely through email. And now, 2 dates and hrs of phone calls later I'm really starting to like him. I mean really like him like him.

A new challenge

2010-08-17T23:51:00.002-05:00

The looming race hasn't been enough to get me motivated to run. It should be enough but, I don't know...something just hasn't clicked lately and I haven't been enjoying running like I used to.

But then my friend on facebook put out a 100 miles in 30 days challenge and, well...I sort've signed up. And now I sort've HAVE to run cause, uh, I don't like to be embarrassed on facebook.

So I set out today for 3 miles, right as the sun was setting. And something just felt right and suddenly I missed running.

Lotus Flower

2010-08-02T03:44:00.001-05:00

Lotus flowers are amazing and have strong symbolic ties to many Asian religions especially throughout India. The lotus flower starts as a small flower down at the bottom of a pond in the mud and muck. It slowly grows up towards the waters surface continually moving towards the light. Once it come to the surface of the water the lotus flower begins to blossom and turn into a beautiful flower.

Within Hinduism and Buddhism the lotus flower has become a symbol for awakening to the spiritual reality of life. The meaning varies slightly between the two religions of course but essentially both religious traditions place importance on the lotus flower.

In modern times the meaning of a lotus flower tattoo ties into it's religious symbolism and meaning. Most tattoo enthusiast feel that the a lotus tattoo represent life in general. As the lotus flower grows up from the mud into a object of great beauty people also grow and change into something more beautiful (hopefully!). So the symbol represent the struggle of life at its most basic form.

Lotus flower tattoos are also popular for people who have gone through a hard time and are now coming out of it. Like the flower they have been at the bottom in the muddy, yucky dirty bottom of the pond but have risen above this to display an object of beauty or al ife of beauty as the case might be. Thus a lotus flower tattoo or blossom can also represent a hard time in life that has been overcome.

Lotus flower and peonies are also two flowers that are very popular among Japanese tattoo artists and they make a great compliment to Koi Fish tattoos. Ironically enough the two koi fish and lotus flowers can often be found in the same pond in front of a temple. The Koi fish is a symbol typically for strength and individualism.

Songs I like

2010-07-29T00:16:00.004-05:00

this song came on during my run earlier. Not one I'd usually run to, but it just seemed to fit today.

Seacoast Half Marathon

2010-07-28T11:57:00.000-05:00

November 14, 2010....enough said.

My new favorite song...

2010-07-23T20:42:00.000-05:00

The road was long and it took so much time
But I learned a lot from my mistakes
I made some wrong turns that I'm not proud of
They made me who I am today
I just got a little lost along the way

It's done

2010-07-19T17:59:00.004-05:00

It's been 6 days now since I drove to Bedford. Nervous, excited, feeling a lot lighter in the pocket after wiring the closing costs to the escrow account earlier in the day, but ready.
I. Was. Ready.

I signed my name no less than 7,000 times, I was handed a key and everyone walked out to head home for the evening.

Holy Shit!! What did I just do?

I had bought a house. And I LOVE IT!!

OMG!!

2010-07-07T07:42:00.002-05:00

Who knew buying tools could be so stylish?? I close next week and will immediately begin hanging bathroom fixtures with this beauty. I can't wait till it gets here.

Update

2010-06-30T23:13:00.004-05:00

It's been a stressful few weeks. At the 11th hour my first mortgage fell through and left me, and the girls, and the dog pretty much homeless. When I say the 11th hour, you just have no idea how close to the closing date it was. But I bounced back and, as of today, the second round at mortgage acquisition is a go.

It's been a month of learning, that's for sure. Learning just how strong I am on my own and learning how amazing my family can be when I need them and learning just how much I miss people I've had in and out of my life.

I've learned it's an amazing feeling when you have to stand on your own, and you do. I can't tell you how stressed I was to sign those second round of mortgage papers when I looked down and saw the "co-borrower" line blank, but by the end I realized how far I had come and just what I was capable of on my own. The first mortgage fell through because they approved me based on my income with child support and I didn't have a long enough history of it to make the company happy...but this loan, this loan was run solely on my income and it's all mine. Both the struggles and the happiness that will come in the next few yrs, it's. all. mine.

skittles

2010-06-01T00:15:00.003-05:00

One of the police officers who comes to the ED with wayword inmates told us a story of a "hostage situation" recently in Manchester.
Huh? I know this place is scandalous, but not hostage worthy.

Apparently there is a nice couple with a high functioning autistic/mentally handicaped son who they trusted enough to leave for periods of time without incident. The son had a routine and they could be gone for a few hrs without diffeculty.

So they set off for Home Depot in search of spring plantings...they weren't gone to long when the cell phone rings. Its their son...

"mom, there is a troll at the door. What do I do?"

The mom, redirects and calms her son down and gets him back to his usual routine. Tells him they'l be home soon. The son agree's. Only half hr later, he called back. Out of breath and way too excited...

"No worries mom, I've wrestled the troll into the bathroom and I'm feeding him skittles."

Now, naturally mom and dad decide its time to head home and see what's up. They return home to find their son, sitting outside the bathroom door, flicking skittles under the crack. They open the bathroom door to find a midget surrounded by a rainbow of fruit flavors sitting on their bathroom floor.

Turns out he was a US Census taker who had, indeed, come to the door. He was, as it turned out, a good sport about the whole thing and saw no need to press charges since he completely understood having a handicap.

waiting game...

2010-05-16T10:57:00.002-05:00

So anyone want to take a wild guess as to how many people I've shown the house picture to? Just guess...but be advised it's reached the triple digits.
"Oh you're here for chest pain? When did that start and have you seen the 3 bedroom beauty I'm buying?"

"Yes, Dr. D, I do have IV access in room 6, I also have 1.2 acre's under contract in Deerfield, want to see?"

Then the questions start..."You bought a house? Awesome!"

Only buying a house isn't like going into Target, swipping your debit card and heading out with your bag. This is see the house, see it again, make your PA friend that lives in the same town come see it, sign a bunch of papers, go back and forth over stupid details, sign a bunch of other papers, wait..... dig up every piece of paper that has ever proven you make money, wait some more and then hopefully at the end you sign more papers and walk away with a set of keys and 2 spanking new garage door openers.
I'm in the wait process. The inspection is on Wednesday and I'm trying to dig up all those papers. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

drunk night

2010-05-11T05:05:00.004-05:00

Drunk people are no secret to the ED. Ecspecially those that know how to work the system. They get picked up by police, don't REALLY feel like going to jail so they fake a siezure or complain of chest pain. POOF ED bound they go.

Our ED has 2 rooms (thats actually one big room with a curtain in the middle)that has cardiac monitering capabilities. Last night we had a drunk pleasure of a woman in one of the rooms. Screaming obsenities with everything she had and yelling at the staff. Well into triage comes a sweet little lady with ACTUAL chest pain. We warn her that the only room appropriate for her the time was the room on the other side of the curtain from the drunk lady.

"That's ok" she said, "I'm a good Christian woman."

So we wheel her into the room and began the steps of the work up. IV, blood, urine, chest xray, EKG,.....the works. From the next room, the entire time is the drunk lady screaming at us to "shut the f**()& up" and other such niceties. And what did our "good Christian" woman do?

With each out burst she would yell "God loves you!!" to the lady next door, which of course would only cause her to yell louder which in turn would cause the lady to say "God loves you" again and again.

Ya, it was a long night

the not so very exciting story

2010-04-08T02:06:00.004-05:00

So, it seems that not everyone who reads this blog is my friend on facebook. If your not, shame on you cause you would've know the not so very exciting story of how I broke my foot weeks ago.
I've been told by a few Dr's that work here in the ED that I need a more exciting story, but the one I have suits me fine.
I was sitting on the couch with my darling daughter watching Survivor and, well....my foot fall asleep. When I went to stand up, it bent underneath me and I now have what is called "Jones fracture" to the lateral edge of my right foot.

At the time I thought I had twisted it and didn't pay it much bother. It hurt like heck but I didn't think it was broken. It wasn't until halfway through an 12 hr shift one night when I was playing with the +3 pitting enema that had developed around my ankle that I figured I probably injured it more severely than I had thought.

So there is the long and short of it. Its not very exciting but it is what it is.

5 things you probably didn't care about, but I'll tell you anyway.

2010-04-07T01:18:00.004-05:00

1. My foot is still broken.
2. I STILL haven't run in the year 2010.
3. The combination of the to is making me increasingly crankier by the day.
4. As long as there is #1 is there, I don't see #2 changing for a while.
5. Since there is an #1 and #2...hot tamale jelly beans should really be off limits, BUT they are a necessity due to #3.

That is all...carry on.

Night of the failing IQ's

2010-03-27T05:31:00.004-05:00

What a night. OMFG!!
Now I don't judge anyone by their religious preferences but we had a trauma come in tonight. A unrestrained driver who got up close and personal with his windshield with his head after crashing into another car while driving under the influence. He came in with a c-coller on and needed numerous CT scans in order to clear him to move.
Now, as he lay there and the IV fluids are going in, and the alcohol is trying to make its way out...he has to pee. Perfectly ok request. Only the pt then tells me that "its against his religion to pee laying down." Uhhhh, ok. I guess I can cath you if you really want that sort've thing is my response to him. No, he tells me, thats peeing.
This goes on for a good 1/2 hr. He REALLY has to pee and is telling every person in a 10 ft radious of him that he REALLY has to go. He asks numerous staff members, police officers and EMT personel to help him. All have the same answer, you cant sit up. Again, its against his "religious beliefs."
Turns out he is wiccan and they apparently believed that because you release your bowel and bladder when you die if you pee or poo lying down when you are alive its like admitting that your life is over. Ya, I laugh my way out of that room. He ended up getting moved out of the trauma room and into another room in another assignment. As I write this, I'm still not sure he has pee'd.

BBBBBBB

2010-03-11T17:51:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all the positive comments on my last post. It was difficult to write and difficult to maintain my "don't talk bad about your ex" pledge. I did end up taking it down though cause this is a public blog...(at least for now) and because, well, somehow the entire post had no "B's."

B's are very important.